matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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