Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
