I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
