I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
