i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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