Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
