One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
