someone threw a dead crab at me
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
