Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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