upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
