I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Found your dick twin last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
