why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Boobs are out for the taking
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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