Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.