So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.