it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
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are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching