I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
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He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
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He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Drake has all the answers
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.