matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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