1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
