I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
