Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
