if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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