if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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