remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
