Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
