i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
