And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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