Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Ambien. No doubt about it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
