Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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