Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Randomize
