My friends, they love my intelligence
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
