Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dick very happy bro
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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