So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
