youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
even my farts smell like vagina
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
