I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
