please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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