Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
