I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
