PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
