Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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