why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
