I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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