I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
