Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
