I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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