I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
