I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
