This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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