OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
