he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every concussion has its silver lining
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You pole danced in your parka.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
soo... how was my night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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