I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
