I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
