no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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