1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Damn victory sex feels great
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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