Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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